I haven’t had the heart to update recently, though I’ve been on an emotional roller-coaster that had one to many loop-de-loops and about ten-to-few puke bags.

On May 24th I lost my father.

Though my brain knew it was coming, I didn’t believe it was so soon and it really hit hard.  The aftermath has been much harder than I could have prepared for.  All of the father’s day paraphernalia hasn’t been helping.  I thought if I wrote a blog too soon, I’d just say things I’d later regret, so it took some time.

About a week after his passing I had another appointment- this time a general check up and I would get to hear the heartbeat.  I think I was more nervous than ever.  I had so many horrible visions of showing up and them not being able to find the heartbeat and like a prize I didn’t earn, the thrill of impending parenthood would be yanked away.  I was also terrified my health would be way out of whack.  I’m feeling so bloated and yucky (haven’t been to the gym in so long and I ache everywhere because of it) and the stress couldn’t be good for my blood pressure.  I was terrified all day before the appointment.

But going in first good news was my weight was lower than it has been yet, and my blood pressure was good (117/70ish).

When the little wand came out to hear the heartbeat, the midwife told me not to worry if she couldn’t find it right away.  “It’s pretty small, so it’s going to take some routing around so it could take 5 minutes or so.

She touched the wand to my stomach and almost immediately heard a whoom-whoom-whoom.

It was like my worries melted away.

At least when I was sick I knew something was going on with my body.  But I’m still not showing at all and besides constipation and a headache that won’t go away, I’m feeling fine.  This period in between morning sickness and feeling the baby move around inside is filled with worry.

But today I hit 16 weeks and this is when the books say I might start feeling movement.

I’m “listening” very hard.  When I go to bed at night I just focus on the feelings in my belly to see if any “flutters” or “popcorn bubbles” or anything of the like appear.  Of course they all do.  But I think if anyone paid attention to the feelings in their belly enough, they’d all feel a baby kick regardless of the presence of an actual fetus.

Tomorrow I have the blood screen done to test for all of the wonderful things that could be wrong, but surprisingly I’m not too worried.

Next appointment is July 9th and it’s the big day of gender discovery!  3 weeks from tomorrow!

But the big milestone is waiting for the baby to move around so I can feel it.  Until then (and probably after), I await in worry.